One:Feral Roadies
Nomenclature
Although its use is widespread, the term Feral Roadies is considered derogatory by many members of the Goodtimes:Goodsound Redemption Cult. The preferred term among initiates is Sounders, but fuck those guys - the people have spoken, and they want nothing to do with these dirty shambling freaks and their pedantic linguistic quibbles.
Origins
Although very likely an offshoot of Bandology, Sounders are violently opposed to Bandologists and other splinter groups. Selecting one particular band or genre as better than any other is considered herectical, and heretics who fall into the clutches of Sounders are subjected to extended exposure to Enya, Nickleback, and in extreme cases even Loverboy or Bachman Turner Overdrive - stone cold sober.
Beliefs
Nature of Reality
Having taken the proper drugs and listened to music for an appropriate length of time the Sounders believe that the truth of our physical universe is revealed to sentients, as follows:
- We are all, like, totally connected by cosmic energy
- Love is the highest power in the universe
- It is right and good that sentients should continue to take drugs and chill out to music
- Drugs and music should be free to all so that the message of love and free music and free drugs can be shared as widely as possible
Although rarely able to coherently articulate it, most Sounders are adherents to BNT and against purely fact based theories.
Path to Redemption
Higher powers have changed the nature of time and space to screw with the uninitiated. Those in the know are totally chill with whatever happens[1], it's all good because in the end all you need is love.[2] We have already been redeemed - you just need to look really hard within yourself, man.
Expectations for the End Times
Things will become more and more trippy over time, and the weirdness will increase at an exponential rate. In the end it will be impossible to discriminate between normal waking reality and the drug/music fugue state. At this point we will be unified in a single infinite eternity of peace and love. This will make it much easier for almost anyone, even the ugly, to get laid.[3]
Appearances and Behaviours
Feral Roadies are generally unkempt and malnourished, as they spend much of their time on the road following their favourite acts. Very few are gainfully employed.
Paying for admission to a gig is counter to their beliefs. The least smelly of them are often given work packing a show in and out in exchange for backstage passes and food. This practice has driven professional roadies into extinction.
Those more desperate and unable to win the favour of bands and promoters will try to gain admittance through other means, and scores are killed at most any large musical event: detonation of perimeter claymores, electrocution on high voltage fences, and trodding on anti-personnel mines are main causes of death.
Although mostly harmless during a show, they are edgy and quick to anger just before and just after an event. Beware.
Footnotes
- ↑ This aspect of Sounder beliefs makes them ripe targets for dumping Beta Capital. Chumps waiting to be ripped off, every one of them.
- ↑ And drugs and music, but that goes without saying duh.
- ↑ Zappa, Frank. Take Your Clothes off When You Dance, 1968.
