One:Malformed, The

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After the initial discovery of the Freakish Rain system, many assumed that exposure to the bizarre weather event was beneficial to their health and well-being. The disgusting bodily and psychological mutations that resulted from exposure were dismissed with the now notorious maxim “no pain, no gain”.

It wasn't until many years later, after intense research by the Frankenmuth Institute, that these mutations were determined to be not at all desirable. The Department of Public Health's official recommendation regarding the Freakish Rain was consequently given a minor adjustment from “A Climatological Flux a day keeps the doctor away!” to “Avoid at all cost. Exposure will result in immediate quarantine and possible euthanization. Try an apple instead!”

The Malformed[edit]

Those that were exposed to the rain in the early period are known as the Malformed. The Malformed exhibit several characteristic mutations which make their integration with common society totally impossible. Common mutations include:

  • Extra arms beyond the ALIES suggested “two armed system”[1].
  • Extra eyes, the third one being in the middle of the forehead. Malformed with the third-eye syndrome are reportedly “sick of being asked if we have ESP, because we knew you were going to ask that.”
  • A thick covering of fur over the entire dermis. Of the Malformed with this condition, the author cannot recommend those with calico coloration highly enough: they are so darn cuddly-wubbly.
  • Malformed personalities are usually some constellation of the following traits: orneriness, irritability, smarminess, grumpiness, crankiness, bellicosity. A lot of them are kind of just assholes.

Rumors abound about the Malformed raising a secret army somewhere in the Starlight Basin. These rumors are unconfirmed because the author couldn't be arsed to catch the bus to find out for himself.



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